My earliest memory as a kid is growing up in Texas where my father worked as a medic in the army. He continued down that path after leaving the service where he worked full time as a paramedic during the day and attended nursing school at night. Dad was stressed to say the least. My mother, three sisters, and myself learned early on that dad was busy and we had to figure most things out on our own. While dad’s example showed me the meaning of hard work, I was left guessing my way through many of life’s challenges on my own. How do you deal with bullies or tell a girl I like her? Why do I feel “funny” sliding down the rope at gym class? When do I start shaving and how do you throw a curve? All of those typical “young man” type questions could have easily been answered, but I always felt like I was bothering him if I asked. Dad was stressed, real stressed, and almost always frustrated about something. So, I did what assumed everyone else did, I tried to figure it out myself.
From a young age boys are taught to have their emotions in check. Keep your feelings to yourself, put on your big boy pants, and no crying. JUST SUCK IT UP AND GET IT DONE! These were the themes that played over and over in my head. That message continued well into adulthood and not only for me, but for what seemed to be every other guy around me. While the lessons being taught had good intentions, it unfortunately created a society of men who are suffering in silence and feel they have no where to turn for help. If you didn’t grow up with a prominent male role model in your life, who did you talk to when you had questions about sex, drugs, school, cars, money, or religion? If you were anything like me, you applied the “fake it till ya make it” approach. No matter what the topic was at school, the locker room, or on the job, I always “knew what I was talking about”. When in reality, I had no idea what most of these conversations were about and I usually walked away feeling embarrassed . This “fake it till ya make it” approach continued into my 30’s and although my relationship with my father had greatly improved, I still felt the need to keep things to myself. Afterall, men don’t show weakness and we don’t ask for help, we just do whatever it takes to get the job done.
Now married with two toddlers, I suddenly found myself struggling with life’s many demands. Years of sports injuries had piled on and left me with chronic pain in both my back and legs. Impulsive spending led to maxed out credit cards where we struggled to even make the minimum payments. Tension between my wife and I was at an all time high as we never had a break from work or children. This on top of a job I hated, but couldn’t afford to leave. Working 16 hour days on Saturday and Sunday, I stayed home with the kids throughout the week to save on daycare. Managing a nursing home I had more responsibilities and more stress than ever before. Not only was I in charge of all the administrative duties, but I also had to work the floor anytime someone called off. Drowning in debt, suffering horrible pain, constantly fighting with my wife, and no relief from the kids. All I could think of was to put my head down and make it work. I’m a man and men don’t complain, we do whatever it takes to get it done!
At this point in my life the pain in my legs was so bad that I could barely stand. I was averaging close to 4 hours a day of my 16 hour shift rolling around on the bathroom floors, stretching and lathering my legs with pain relief cream. That tiny bit of relief was only temporary of course as I would have to repeat the process again 30 minutes later. This went on for weeks until I finally sat down with management and begged for a change. My job was supposed to be 99% desk work! I wasn’t hired to work the floor 16-24 hours a weekend and I just couldn’t physically take it anymore. Despite my plea for help, management said they “understood”, but there was unfortunately nothing they could do. Things would stay the same until further notice.
I felt completely trapped! I was lied to, mistreated, mislead, unable to quit and saw absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. I knew I couldn’t keep up with the physical demands of the job unless I could deal with the pain I was in. You see, I had been working with a doctor’s office a few months prior, but at the time felt that their policies were too demanding. The medications they prescribed came with all these rules and regulations. They wanted to talk about my stress at work and know why I was arguing with my wife. Here I was just trying to get something for my aching legs and they wanted to know my life’s story? After decades of hearing people say “Suck it up and get it done”, I felt that this was something I could do on my own. So, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to quit. Not only did I quit going to the doctor and stop taking all my medications, but I didn’t bother with trying to find another physician either. Little did I realize at the time that this decision would have major consequences.
Unable to process my emotions, I created the narrative of a man against the world. I took every frustration, anger, wrong doing and feeling of resentment that I had shoved down and silenced for years and stacked them one on top of the other. My wife doesn’t understand me, my job lied me, doctor’s can’t get anything right and I’m the only one who’s suffering. THE WORLD IS OUT TO GET ME! It was time to take matters into my own hands. Wanting to invest in real estate for years, my wife liked the idea of investing but wanted to wait until we were in a better financial position. Angry with my employer and desperate for change, I was tired of waiting for my wife to be onboard. Our credit cards offered a cash advance option that we never used as the interest rates were outrages. However, I was willing to do WHATEVER it took to get out of my current circumstances and decided to take out every cash advance our credit cards would offer, almost $8,000 in total. I knew my wife would be upset, but I told myself she would come around once the profits rolled in. That would take care of my financial problems, but I still had to figure out what to do about my physical pain. Have you ever been so mad at someone or something that you made a decision that you later regretted? In my haste to create a better quality of life, unable to cope with my circumstances, and driven by anger, I made the decision to take my patient’s extra pain medications.
I had it all figured out. If my patient can have 2 pain pills every 8 hours but they only asked for 1, then that “Extra” one was left over. Afterall, I would NEVER deny anyone pain medication if they asked for it! I knew first hand what it’s like to live in pain so that was a line I was never willing to cross. I told myself the story of a man abandoned by everyone who had to do anything to survive. My plan wasn’t to do this forever, I would just take the pain pills at work until the real estate investment paid off. As soon as that happens, I will resign and no one will ever know. Well, as you can imagine, these things always seem to reveal themselves. In my hastiness to dispense medication before anyone noticed, I accidently grabbed a pill for a patient that was not under my care that day. When that patients’ nurse went to get the medication and saw that it was gone, a quick computer search showed the truth. What was supposed to be a victimless crime, turned into my worst fear. Someone was in pain and I took away the very last pill that could help them. Coming from a long line of healthcare workers, you understand that the people who work in that profession have a deeply personal and intense love for others. We put on the scrubs, sacrificing birthdays and holidays, sleep deprived and in pain, all so we can help someone in need. Confronted by a fellow manager, my heart sank as I realized the pain I had caused. Unable to justify my actions, I resigned my position and began the quiet drive home.
I knew I had to make some changes so the next morning I called back the doctor’s office I had previously been working with and scheduled an appointment. Years of suppressing my emotions and applying the “Fake it till ya make it” game plan had left me dealing with a mountain of consequences. I lost the highest paying job I’d ever had, and with it, the extra money needed to pay for the credit card advances. I was now facing unknown legal action as a result of taking someone else’s medications. The relationship with my wife was at an all time low as I finally came clean about the real reason I lost my job. All this on top of my still unresolved pain. “Don’t worry” – I kept telling my wife every time she wanted to talk about a problem. Don’t worry about the bills, my legal problems, or the families’ future, I’ll take care of it. While I had every intention to make things better, it was unfortunately too little too late.
On a mid-summer’s night around 2:00 am the family was quietly tucked in bed when suddenly I was jolted awake by a pounding at the door. Having previously consulted an attorney my stomach dropped as I instantly knew who it was. The decision to take medication that was meant for someone else had finally caught up to me. I scurried to grab comfortable clothes for the upcoming journey as my wife, afraid and unsure, looked outside to see who was there. “Jacob, there’s 4 policemen at the door”! “I know honey”, were the only words I could muster. Worried they would wake the children, she opened the door to let them in. I will never forget that moment. One by one as the police entered my home my wife was overcome with emotion. The stress of the situation was too much to bare and she began to collapse. Catching her before she fell, I quickly moved her to a chair and asked if she was ok. My attention was short lived though as all 4 officers had now entered my home and instructed me to follow them. “Come bail me out“, I remember thinking as the handcuffs were now tightly secure. Still reaching for a handle on the moment, my wife nodded and said she’d be there.
Now setting in the back of a cruiser, my mind raced as the future was unclear. The one thing I didn’t have to worry about though was my wife being their to bail me out. That’s what she did. She was the rock, the absolute picture of stability. Amazingly kind-hearted, hard working and thoughtful, loved and respected by all who know her. I can always count on her! Throughout our relationship I would think of different ways to cause problems or get into trouble. She would pick up the pieces and I would promise to never do it again. Year after year I consistently let her down, and year after year she consistently forgave me. Our “fights” were always about something I did. I would cause heartache and pain, worry and distrust, and any time she tried to bring it up, I would explode in an angry tired. “How dare you bring up the past or try to make me feel bad for something I did”. If you would be there to support me more or listen to my problems, none of this would have happened”. No matter what the topic was, or how correct she would be, I would never yield. Afterall, I’m a man and men can’t be told what to do, we just have to figure things out on our own.
As expected, I was only in jail for a few hours before my wife came to pick me up. Somber and still she sat quiet as I talked about the “positives” of it all. The rest of the day slipped by as I sat and contemplated my next moves. The following morning was business as usual. It was the weekend had to leave early, so I was out the door before anyone woke up. Eager to move past the previous day’s events, I was ready to get back to the grindstone. Walking into work and ready to clock in, I couldn’t find my timeslip. Human Resources was there with her door open, so I hurried to the office to avoid clocking in late. “You’ve been taken off the schedule.” I stood there in anger as I knew the reason why but couldn’t come up with a rebuttal. My arrest had made the papers and no news travels like bad news. I walked to my car in shame and toiled over what to do next. Barely 24 hours prior I was arrested and taken out my home. My wife, who was already overwhelmed, had to spend bail money that our family desperately needed. Our relationship was at an all time low and now I just lost my job. Realizing how dire the circumstances, I knew I couldn’t go back home and tell my wife what just happened. In my final attempt to salvage the situation, I planned to hide out at my parents house until I could at least get an interview scheduled. Embarrassed, ashamed, overwhelmed and afraid, I drove to my parents house knowing things needed to change. Nothing, however, could have prepared me for what happened next!
Having just arrived at my parents house, I’ll never forget the feeling I had after stepping out of the car. My phone dinged as I looked down and saw a message from my wife. Before I could even read it the phone exploded with messages, each one longer than the next. “I WANT A DIVORCE!” The first message read as my stomach hit the floor. “I want you out of the house. I’m cancelling all of our joint credit cards and accounts. I’m filing for bankruptcy and keeping the house and kids.” If you’ve never heard of someone hitting rock bottom, let me introduce you to mine! There are no words in the English language I could use to try and explain what I was feeling. I froze in my feet as the world I knew was instantly turned upside down. Knowing I had NO RIGHT to argue with her, I simply put my phone back in my pocket and let it all sink in. I was Jobless, homeless, bankrupt, a criminal, an addict, and still living in chronic pain. What do I do now? Who am I supposed to talk to? Where do I go to get help? Those questions along with a million others began my search for a better life.
Supportive and understanding, my parents welcomed me back with open arms. Having seen this scenario play out countless times before, they knew it was always a possibility. My life had just hit There are no words in the English language I could use to try and explain what I was feeling. Minutes after telling my mother in law that I had lost my job, I got a message from my wife. My world turned upside down as she said she was filing for divorce, declaring bankruptcy, cancelling all the credit cards and joint accounts, and she wanted me out of the house immediately! Within 24 hours I was now facing criminal charges, a drug addiction, chronic pain, bankruptcy, joblessness, homelessness, and divorce. If you’ve ever been delt horrible news like that before, I’m guessing your reaction was somewhat similar to mine. A flood of emotions pored over me as I struggled to fathom the events that just took place. My mind raced and my stomach dropped, I felt dizzy and weak. I had no rebuttal, no excuse, and no leg to stand on. I alone was responsible for everything that happened and I was on my own to deal with the consequences.
Now homeless, my first task was to find a place to live. Already at my parents house while attempting to hide my recent unemployment, I hung my head in shame as I asked to stay in a spare bedroom. At 37 years old I was once again living with my parents, embarrassed and alone, ashamed and defeated. Welcome to hitting rock bottom! Despite facing a mountain of problems, there was something interesting that happened. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, for the first time in a long time, I began to feel hopeful. This was ground zero for me and I literally had no place to go but up. The years of suffering in silence at a job I hated or dreading every time my wife got home was now over. For the first time in a long time I felt a sigh of relief. No more hiding, no more pretending, and no more lies. It was finally time to be exactly who I wanted to be and with that, I got straight to work.
I had long been a fan of self-help books, seminars and teachings. Self improvement, overcoming obstacles, challenging the norms, those were all things I loved learning, but had gotten away from over the years. For the first time in a long time, I was hungry to grow and I wanted the answers to everything! Why did my relationship fail? Why was I so angry all the time? How did I let my finances get so bad? How could I deal with chronic pain? These questions and a million more, I wanted to learn how to improve my life one topic at a time. So I began to search, how can a man do this and how can a man do that? I scoured the internet for weeks on end looking for any and every insight that could help me on my journey. Month after month, sitting in that quiet room alone, I listened and learned from top experts across the globe. Addiction recovery programs, group and individual counseling, doctors, lawyers, religious leaders and more; each played a role in my day to day life. Little by little I began to implement each lesson, and little by little I began to grow.
My life was still hectic at this point. One day would be spent discussing addiction with fellow addicts, the next day would be spent in court dealing with the consequences from my past. Despite being able to see my children, they were busy in school and spent most nights at home. Weekends were a precious gift as I held them close, dreading the moment they would leave. Their pillows stayed wet with tears as I often cried thinking about them. Of all the pains in the world, missing my children was the one that hurt the most. Despite being in pain, every day was an opportunity for growth and every day I committed to becoming better. At this point in life the bankruptcy had been filed, legal problems were over, addiction was no longer an issue and I was earning a steady income reselling products online. Although I was still separated, the divorce was paused as my medical needs required insurance. Unable to work a full time job, my wife allowed me to continue on her insurance until I could secure insurance of my own. My self-improvement was on auto pilot as I listened for hours each day. Religious sermons from Bishop TD Jakes and Life Lessons from Tony Robbins were my main staples. Every day I felt their passion and every day I grew my passion within. For 18 months I focused solely on myself. The destructive patterns from my past were gone forever. I now had a new purpose and passion in my life. I would be the best father and role model possible. My wife would know that she is loved and supported, despite our marriage being over. I had real world knowledge and experience that I could share with people struggling with the same challenges I had. I was finally able to let go of the hate and anger that consumed me for so many years. My life, for the first time in a long time, would feel blessed!
Fully prepared to take on a life of my own, fate as it seems, had other plans in store. With Christmas day quickly approaching, I was visiting my wife and kids at the place I used to call home. While discussing plans for opening presents, my wife asked if I would like to stay the night on Christmas Eve so we could open presents that following morning as a family. I eagerly agreed and ran back to my parents house to grab some clothes for the following day. Christmas morning came and went as we all laughed and played. My heart had been changed and for the first time in years love and laughter filled our home. As the joyous day was coming to an end, I steadied my soul to leave. Saddened by the thought of Christmas break without me, the children asked if I would stay longer. “Let me talk to mommy, and you guys go play”. I will never forget that conversation. As I sat across from my wife on the living room floor she expressed her feelings to me. Despite all the heart ache and pain I had caused through the years, her love for me was still there. She then asked if I would like to stay the week to spend time with the family together. Cautious and confused, I quickly ran back to my parents house to get more clothes. With tears streaming down my face I pleaded with God to answer my prayer.
“DEAR GOD, DON’T GIVE ME HOPE IF THERE IS NONE! DON’T DANGLE THE POSSIBILITY OF GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH MY WIFE IF IT CAN’T HAPPEN! DEAR GOD, PLEASE TAKE AWAY THE PAIN OF MISSING MY WIFE IF I’M MEANT TO MOVE ON! PLEASE GUIDE AND DIRECT ME IF I AM SUPPOSED TO MAKE AMENDS! PLEASE GOD, PLEASE!”
I prayed that prayer all week long as I sat in my old home reminiscing about our life before. Finally, after 18 months apart, through hard work and the grace of God, my wife asked me to move back home PERMANENTLY!. Today my wife, children and I have never been happier than we are right now! The bankruptcy was finalized which took a huge weight off our shoulders and we now have more money in savings than ever before. I was given 2 years probation which has come and gone. My drug and alcohol addiction is firmly in the past and I’ve been clean and sober for over 3 years. I finally had a diagnoses for my chronic pain – Spinal Stenosis – which is a pinched nerve in my spine. One quick operation to implant a DRG Neuro-Stimulator in my back and it sends electrical impulses that help keep my leg pain away. All of this and more, our lives are blessed beyond measure!
Throughout my journey I’ve learned many valuable lessons. While hitting rock bottom is not something I would wish on anyone, it was the only way I could get to where I am today. The love I feel on a daily basis is the greatest gift of all. Across the globe men and women from all walks of life are struggling with similar problems. My years of research showed me just how unprepared we truly are to deal with them. Despite the number of men going through these same serious issues, there is surprisingly little help available. That’s where the inspiration of Help for Him was born. If I can help someone get through a difficult time in their life and experience the love and joy I feel today, my life’s mission will be complete. Even if you’re already happy where you are, there’s always another level of joy and an even better quality of life available. Join me as we continue on this journey and together we can accomplish anything! Thank you and God bless!